Crushed heart

I'm hurt. Again. After I've given serious thoughts about it, listens to friends' suggestions and after I watched the film, 'Eat,Pray,Love'. The decision came, after almost a year taking a sabbatical leave from romantic relationship.

After I thought there must be a silver lining for me beyond the grey cloud. And as fast as it came, suddenly I found myself crying like a baby. For my trust has been crushed.

Seeking Happiness - Part 2

Everybody wants to be happy. Everybody who is in the right mind would seek for one. Unless you are totally a suicidal type, you would want to be happy and stay happy, as long as we could.

How you seek for your happiness, varies, I supposed. Some find happiness in relationships, be it with a single partner or multiple partners (platonic, sexual, anything), others may finds it in family bonds, money, luxuries, even in the warmth comfort of the animal they keep as pets.

But what really made us happy? Is it the physical touch, the things that is ours or simple smile across the face of the person we adore but couldn't be with because he or she is someone's else partner or spouse?

It has been quite sometime since a person made me really happy. Ever since I decided to stop being a partner of sorts in the now defunct relationship I had with my ex, I've decided I don't want to look for another headache.

I wouldn't mind befriended a guy and be his friend, but not more than that. I think, now, it's more about companionship, a person who would just sits there and let his chest, arms and thigh being 'molested' by old maid like me.

Not that I don't want to be in a long term, permanent relationship, who doesn't. It just that, the old scars, even though has since stopped bleeding, it still pained occasionally.

It is hard for me now to start trusting men with my heart and just let go, like the many advices I heard, given to me by well meant friends. Four years in relationship that has since soured taught me something. It is easy to let go to a person you in love with and just totally lost yourself in that relationship, only to find out when it ended, it just left you with nothing more than broken heart, lost identity and fucked up ideals.

I lost myself when I was with my ex. I listened and heeded his 'advices'. I did as told and simply did not look around me for others. Basically I tried to be that girlfriend that he wants. The kind that accommodating and nurturing and trusting and understanding, while he can do whatever he pleased.

Then he started to 'displays' his relationships with another women, I decided that I just could not take that anymore. It just too much for me to handle. Maybe old age, maybe I realised (finally) that I wasn't the girl he wants.

I made a pledge to myself, not to look again. Not to start an emotional relationship. I had crushes here and there, but that's about it. When I found myself getting too attracted, I pulled away. It is hard now to let go and to trust. Not after what happened. Not after am so free these past months.

Then I met someone who could really make me smile like school girl. Who made me feel at ease and at home. Who wouldn't mind his arms being my comfortable pillow when I feel like leaning over like oversized kitten.

And he seems not to mind. Out of respect or simply he just don't have the heart to hurt my feelings, I just don't know and don't want to know. Am I'm in love.... I do not know. Do I want to persue? I'm afraid this time around, just going to be like before. Right now, the best thing to do, is wait.

Seeking Happiness - Part 1

We always heard talks on happiness. How a person isn't happy and how a person is on the peak of happiness after he or she met with someone.

But what is happiness exactly? Does it means one could be happy if she happens to be a person married to a rich man and have few kids, travel all over the world?

If that the case, everage people may not as happy. Or does it means by getting married to anybody, then happiness would come visits.

Some people (family and friends alike) thought I would be happy if I got myself married to anybody. They thought (though not out loud) I must be unhappy because I'm nor married or currently do not dates anyone exclusively.

To many, happiness can only be achieved if you have someone special in your life. A boyfriend or a husband, and it will gets even better if you and your husband conceived and gave birth to a handful of tots.

It seems strange concept to these people If I said I found happiness in many shapes and forms. They would even said or comments that my source of happiness is just temporary (like marriage would be so solid it won't crumbled).

Don't get me wrong, for I never against marriage. Most people wants to get married at some point of their lives and perhaps raised kids together with their spouses.

So when I said I found my happiness at home in a form of my nephews, they quick to add "but they are not yours. Won't you want to have your own?" I would be crazy if I said I don't want children of my own.

I would be lying if I said I want to grow old alone in some homes. Like everybody else, I yearn for the time I would be called mama or mak or mummy or ibu by smaller version of me or of my husband.

It is something common and acceptable for a woman like me to be wanting of all those. However, facts remains, I am a single now with diminishing prospects to find a decent, single man to ask for my hand.

It's not that I'm too fussy about the cadidates. Of course I do have to select the ones with good qualities and have the same interest. I mean, would your mum allow you to date crazy and irresponsible person.

Yet many still asks me these questions, 'don't you want to get married' or 'you must be choosy type' or 'don't you wants to grow old surrounded by your children, who would take care of you'.

I can't help to be cynical about those type of relationships. The things I saw in life made me wants second opinion about getting myself hitched.

I got a friend who, at this age, have been married to four men, or to be like another girl friend of mine who is now in the process of getting her divorce because she is not compatible with the second husband.

Is that happiness?

Taking control of our lives

Believed it or not, but we are the master of our own life. Although there are some contributing factors that we could not control, we are supposed to be the one who shapes, makes or breaks our life or create our own happiness.

From how we dress, eat, people we want to meet, people we refused to see, which concert we want to enjoy and which car we want to purchase, its all comes back to one thing, us.

Throughout my 34 years of life, I keep on bumping into people who wants to, on a certain leverl, have a control over my life. From my own mother (well, what can I say, everybody's mom is the same), to my so called friends (erk seriously?), to ex-boy friends (while we still in our demented relationships) and even complete strangers.

About almost everybody who has mouth, would completely have anything to say about how I should lead my life.

"Oh you should buy this P car coz monthly payment is cheap and service is easy" (This when I was planning to buy my car 6 years back)

"Buy house near my house la so we can be neighbours" (So you can snoop on me??!!! No thanks!)

"I really like if you could stop talking now. You annoys me" (This while going out with my ex-boyfriend. He would rather 'talk' to his BB than talk to his alive and kicking gf. sheesh!)

And the list just go on and on and on. The best part is (apart from my mother who forbade me from taking up Law in uni), these people would took offence if I did not follow their advices.

It's like they have some sort of authority over me or something. Even funnier, these people would called themselves as my best friends (erk, I do have my own best friends, thank you) and would try to convince me (more like themselves) that I really need to heed those advices or the world (my world and their's) would come crumbling down.

Funnier even, my best friends also do not act like that. They would listen and give their advice whenever they feel I needed it and never say "I told you so" if I failed. That is what great friends should do, I strongly feels.

It's not that I don't take advices, I do. I was adviced by my doctor this morning on seeking happiness in life, in enjoying life and making the best of it. He told me (which I agrees to) that I need to stop all the negative thoughts and start doing things that really matter and really make me happy.

This is the second time a medical doctor gives that sorts of advice to me, when I came seeking for some medications for my ailments. First such advice came about 7 years back when I was still working in KL.

My doctor told me this morning, if I'm not happy at work, I would feel stressed and depressed. He asked me if I wanted MC for the day, but I said no need. I would gets even depressed if I stayed at home. He said, I should do something about my life if I already feels depressed or anxious even while at home.

The thing is, I was indeed stressed and depressed for many months. And yesterday I was so stressed, I sort of caused anxiety to some of my friends (which I'm not proud of) and one even went the extra mile to make me smile.

Whatever it is, I must say, I'm proud of myself for shaping my own life thus so far. All without causing harm to others and still keeps the big chunks of people I've met throughout my life, as friends.

Looking forward to the coming year...