Everybody wants to be happy. Everybody who is in the right mind would seek for one. Unless you are totally a suicidal type, you would want to be happy and stay happy, as long as we could.
How you seek for your happiness, varies, I supposed. Some find happiness in relationships, be it with a single partner or multiple partners (platonic, sexual, anything), others may finds it in family bonds, money, luxuries, even in the warmth comfort of the animal they keep as pets.
But what really made us happy? Is it the physical touch, the things that is ours or simple smile across the face of the person we adore but couldn't be with because he or she is someone's else partner or spouse?
It has been quite sometime since a person made me really happy. Ever since I decided to stop being a partner of sorts in the now defunct relationship I had with my ex, I've decided I don't want to look for another headache.
I wouldn't mind befriended a guy and be his friend, but not more than that. I think, now, it's more about companionship, a person who would just sits there and let his chest, arms and thigh being 'molested' by old maid like me.
Not that I don't want to be in a long term, permanent relationship, who doesn't. It just that, the old scars, even though has since stopped bleeding, it still pained occasionally.
It is hard for me now to start trusting men with my heart and just let go, like the many advices I heard, given to me by well meant friends. Four years in relationship that has since soured taught me something. It is easy to let go to a person you in love with and just totally lost yourself in that relationship, only to find out when it ended, it just left you with nothing more than broken heart, lost identity and fucked up ideals.
I lost myself when I was with my ex. I listened and heeded his 'advices'. I did as told and simply did not look around me for others. Basically I tried to be that girlfriend that he wants. The kind that accommodating and nurturing and trusting and understanding, while he can do whatever he pleased.
Then he started to 'displays' his relationships with another women, I decided that I just could not take that anymore. It just too much for me to handle. Maybe old age, maybe I realised (finally) that I wasn't the girl he wants.
I made a pledge to myself, not to look again. Not to start an emotional relationship. I had crushes here and there, but that's about it. When I found myself getting too attracted, I pulled away. It is hard now to let go and to trust. Not after what happened. Not after am so free these past months.
Then I met someone who could really make me smile like school girl. Who made me feel at ease and at home. Who wouldn't mind his arms being my comfortable pillow when I feel like leaning over like oversized kitten.
And he seems not to mind. Out of respect or simply he just don't have the heart to hurt my feelings, I just don't know and don't want to know. Am I'm in love.... I do not know. Do I want to persue? I'm afraid this time around, just going to be like before. Right now, the best thing to do, is wait.
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